I’m so sorry that this is all I’m leaving you with, after everything you’ve done for me and everything I’ve promised you. But it’s for the best. What will you do when you see me with someone else, doing the same things I’d done with you? What will you do when you realize that I was never really there?
The least I can do is explain.
I’m a coward.
I don’t want to deal with the hassles and strains of emotional attachment.
I don’t want to deal with broken hearts and suffocating silence, with having to learn to live alone again when things go awry. And that’s why I’m alone. For once in my life, I’m actually tired of the idea of a love that never dies, tired of believing in the human heart’s capacity for selflessness and sacrifice, tired of searching and hoping, tired of the singularity and disappointment that breed in the wasteland of humanity’s quest for companionship. I’m tired of needing and wanting to feel needed, and tired of building bridges just to watch other people burn them down.
So, you see, that’s why I’m afraid of letting you in. That’s why I can never give you more than just a little bit of myself everyday. That’s why, when the potential for something deeper presents itself, you look around and realize I’ve already gone someplace else.
You can thank everyone who came before you. God knows that I thank them with every chance I let slip away. Thank the boys with the perfect opportunities, the boys I had everything in common with, the boys who loved my music, the boys who appreciated all the odds and ends of my soul, the girls who knew everything about me, and the girls who loved me with their all. Thank every single one of them for the desolate stares I’ve offered you, the off-handed gestures of affection, the sweet nothings I’ve let flow without thought.
Had we met sooner, things might have turned out for the better. This heart is ten years in the making. Please don’t be too disheartened. There’s somebody out there for you, someone who can appreciate you and all your beauty for all that it’s worth. Don’t fall into this with me. You don’t deserve a mess this bad.
Someday, this might all change, and I might go back to believing in the things I’d lost faith in oh so long ago. The me you thought you knew might finally reconcile with my chipped heart. It could happen, but not anytime soon. For now, please understand. Please believe me when I say that it’s for the best.
It’s not the right time.
It’s not you, it’s me.
Originally published on Tumblr on Oct 5th 2011