Just two days ago, I never would have imagined that it could come to this.
I’d been so close to giving up so many times, and then one night, I woke up and I was okay.
Maybe it was the realization that it was finally over—that I’d done all I could and it was out of my control now. Maybe that’s what finally put me at ease.
I forgave myself—and you, of course. I decided that it really wasn’t for us—the things I wanted, the life I wanted, the you that I wanted—it wasn’t meant to be. Or, as you said, “At least not now.”
Maybe someday, I’ll see you again. I’m less sure now than I was just a week ago. Maybe someday we’ll run into each other at a gig or in the mall or in prison or in hell, and we’ll talk and we’ll laugh about how we tore each other apart badly enough for me to want to jump in front of a train. Maybe then we’ll both be mature enough for the kind of things that I want out of life—the kind of things that even I am not ready for, at least not now.
I’ve always been an angry person—which surprises me, now that I think about it. That night in your apartment when I’d cried my eyes out telling you about everything in the world that bothered me, I didn’t--not even once—say that I was so angry, which was a staple of all my rants months before. I guess I’d reached that point where being angry had become so tiring that I’d reduced myself to feeling sad.
Funny thing is, I can’t even be angry at you. I’m disappointed—at myself for expecting so much out of somebody else—and, of course, sad that all good things (even delusions) have to come to an end, but not angry.
I don’t hate you. I could never hate you. I’ll always love you, just as I’ll always love all those who came before you—Superman, the boy with the scorpion tattoo, that girl I played cat-and-mouse with, Slumber, that boy who loved Superdry--each and every single one. I will always love you, and should you ever need me, I’ll be here, ready and willing.
I’ll never forget these past twenty days, or the six months and ten days that you’d been a part of my life. I learned so much about the world and how skewed everything can be, and how easily hearts can break and how easily hopes can fall, but most importantly, I learned so much about myself.
I’ll always be that girl who gives up everything she has for love; who holds nothing back once she thinks she’s found The One; who trades in nights out with friends for nights in with lovers; who greets her exes on their birthdays; who is never afraid of meeting parents or family but is terrified of meeting friends; who loves animals more than she loves people; who will never hesitate to burn a bridge or two for a lover; who will help them bury the bodies.
I’ll always be that girl you met who was more-than-just-a-little-bit racist; who wanted to write but didn’t have much of anything to write about; who reblogged photos of cute guys with coffee grinders, imagining they were you; who counted your fingers when you weren’t looking; who did her best to stay up with you playing videogames but fell asleep and got upset that you weren’t cuddling with her; who hooked her pinky with yours and promised you the world.
I was afraid, for a little bit, that I wouldn’t know who I was without you, but I realized that your absence doesn’t mean having to forget. I’ve changed, and so have you. We can’t go back to the way we were before this whole storm started, but we can rise from the ashes and burn even brighter than we used to.
It took me a little dose of self-destruction and a lot of self-pity and sacrificial begging and pleading and crying and moping.
My lungs hurt and I still can’t bring myself to eat right. I’m more tired than I’ve been for the longest time.
But I’m finally up on my own two feet again, and my knees are shaking but I guess that’s a good sign.
“I’ll be here though, whether it’s a little phase or a serious psychological condition. I will because I love you… I hope that when the storm is over, you’ll still be able to tell me, like you always do, that you regret nothing.”
And, sweetheart, I regret nothing.
Originally posted on Tumblr on Nov 21st 2012